Monday, April 1, 2013

Humbling Experience

Holy Week was busy, emotional and draining all at the same time.  Our Triduum activities included a Seder Meal and Holy Thursday Mass, Living Stations of the Cross, Veneration of the Cross and The Seven Last Words of Jesus on Good Friday and a day of rest on Holy Saturday.  We chose to go to Easter Sunday Mass.
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All were meaningful and beautiful but I'd like to talk about my first experience going to a prayer service called The Seven Last Words of Jesus on Good Friday.  I was unfamiliar with this prayer service and not only was it my first time, my pastor asked if I'd be willing to give a 5 minute reflection on the second word of Jesus:

"This Day You Shall Be With Me In Paradise"

Thankfully, it was a bilingual Mass and the first and third reflections were spoken in Spanish so I had no idea how different they were than mine.

I had no idea what to do.  In fact, I was quite stressed out about it.  Even though I'm a lector at Friday morning Mass, I'm not that comfortable speaking at the ambo.  Public speaking is not one of my strengths. I sought advice on how to write a reflection from parishioners, a deacon, and both our priests.  All gave good advice and basically told me it was my faith story and I should put myself into a situation where my attitude was either the first criminal or the Good Thief.  How did I respond under trials and suffering?  Who did I become?  The first criminal or the Good Thief?

So, I did just that.  And in times of trial and suffering, I am the first criminal.  It was disheartening to realize that but it's true.  Not mocking but begging, pleading and demanding of a miracle.  Putting no faith in Jesus when it counted.  I spoke about two trials when I couldn't say "Your will be done" they are the death of my mother and the events that transpired just days after my son was born.  My husband had been hospitalized for an injury to his finger and needed reconstructive surgery to save it.  The next morning, my 5 day old son was hospitalized for weight loss and jaundice.  Both were in different hospitals and both needed me.  It was a very difficult time for me.

Writing this reflection and then having to share it from the ambo made it startling real for me that in my most difficult times of pain and despair, I have little faith.  It struck me hard while I was sharing my story and I became choked up and started to cry.  On the ambo in front of 150+ people.  It was raw and emotional without any previous intention to make it so.  God spoke to me and showed me where I lacked faith but He also showed me how much He loved me.

Earlier I mentioned that I was thankful that I hadn't understood the first and the third reflections since they were told in Spanish.  It gave me time to calm myself and when the fourth reflection was shared in English, I became overwhelmed.  Her reflection and the last one done in English, were more of a preaching style and not a personal sharing of their faith.  I was dumbstruck and then quickly felt humiliated that I had done it wrong and made myself so vulnerable.  And even cried at the ambo in front of so many people.

Needless to say, when it was over, I was afraid to move and interact with my fellow parishioners. However, they were warm and welcoming and supported my baring of my soul.  On Easter Sunday morning, my pastor also spoke words of encouragement that my reflection was not an embarrassing act on my part.  That it had a meaningful impact on those present.  It was an incredibly humbling moment for me that happened in front of a lot of people.  I pray that the next time God is trying to get my attention, He does so in a much less public way!

I've shared this post at Memoir Mondays at Campfires & Cleats.

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Blessings,
Noreen

17 comments:

  1. Oh gosh, Noreen! I could almost feel what you were experiencing without having gone through that. But how wonderful your fellow parishioners lifted you up and what true words your priest spoke to you about. Just imagine how many others you helped! Hugs to you! And Easter greetings!

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    1. It was certainly humbling and embarrassing all at the same time. I had thoughts going through my head that I should just walk off! There were about 10-15 seconds of silence while I was trying to compose myself!

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  2. Wow, Noreen, this is SO powerful! And think of all those who did not even speak to you afterward who were affected by your talk....by sharing, you showed them not to be afraid to trust in God! I hear you....wanting God to "get your attn" in a "less public way!" But think, despite your humiliation, how He worked through you! You definitely impacted many; you'll probably never know!
    THANK YOU for linking up, Noreen! I really appreciate it! And don;t worry if you can;t swing the link up next week...whenever you can, come on over.
    I almost didn't do Mem Mon, b/c my post today was more of "commentary and pic organizing post" rather than my usual Memoir Mon reflection....but I went ahead and did it anyway. Happy I did!
    I have to express my condolences to you and your family on your Dad's passing, I did not know he passed so recently. I;m sure things are still quite difficult for all of you. As you know, my Dad's been gone 20 years and my Mom, four....it DOES get easier. It really does. The first year is horrifying though, as you're now experiencing. Perhaps our Dads have met! I know that with you as a daughter, he was be a fantastic, fun, faith filled and warm person!

    I added your blog to my "blogroll!" And I subscribe now too...I was missing posts when they just came by g reader.

    Take care Noreen and have a lovely night!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words Christ about my humbling experience and about the loss of my dad. His death was too recent so I didn't even mention him in my reflection. I thought if I talked about events that happened awhile ago, I would be able to stay composed. I was so wrong :) I do believe God was reaching me through it.

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  3. Wow, what an experience! God is calling to share your faith in dramatic ways. Thankfully you answered the call!

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    1. Had I known I would react the way I did, I think I would have been a no show! I'm a chicken in that way :)

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  4. God will bless you for bearing your heart, dear Noreen! You are so precious for doing that and you were real. I believe this is what people can relate to, not always preaching. I pray God's love will continue to comfort you! Sometimes I bear my soul and get no response. That is very humbling too! I just have to keep thinking...Jesus I Trust in You!

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    1. You are very brave indeed Tiffany. No response to sharing of yourself is hard to take but it is so necessary. While I was walking up to the ambo, I said quick prayers to both Our Blessed Mother and St. Joseph. They were in my direct line of vision as I walked up. I will have to remember to pray Jesus I Trust in You!

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  5. Noreen, I think it is through sharing such as yours that Jesus reveals himself in his Passion. A few years ago, I saw a lady break down during her reading in the Stations of the Cross, on Good Friday. I felt for her but I didn't quite understand. Gradually, as I got to know Jesus and experience more, it began to affect me in the same way and, this year, I really struggled to get through all the services. But, it was real. I looked at a picture of Jesus during the Veneration of the Cross and I was grieving as at the funeral of my dearest relative. A detached preaching wouldn't have spoken to my heart in the same way as a sharing of mutual grief.

    I'm glad everyone was so kind and that you were able to reach out to them so powerfully.

    God bless, Noreen:-)

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    1. That is so true Vicky. The closer we grow to Jesus the more real his Passion becomes to us. We did a Stations of the Cross from the perspective of Mary watching her beloved Son go through it. I was tearful through it all. Your drawing of Jesus is quite remarkable!

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  6. Noreen, your kind of reflection is the kind that I usually remember, that stick with me a long time. I have a feeling that is true of most people. I'm sure you touched many people on Good Friday in a positive way. God bless you for your courage. Happy Easter!!! : )

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    1. Thank you Stephanie for your encouragement. It's not often when we see a person cry at the ambo so it would be something one wouldn't forget soon.

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  7. Noreen,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know I would have cried with you as you told your story. I have tears in my eyes just reading your words. We need to be brave and share so we can connect with others who are feeling alone in their faith. It sounds like you did so well.

    I have been thinking about tears. I cried at the Lord's Passion on Good Friday. No one else did (as far as I could see). I felt a bit embarrassed and wished we were a community of people who doesn't mind showing their emotions. How wonderful it would have been to cry with others on Good Friday, to release all those emotions and sorrowed together. I think it would have done us all so much good. Instead we keep everything bottled up inside, or try not to feel too deeply in case we end up crying...

    Noreen, I admire your courage. I bet your reflection touched hearts.

    Happy Easter!

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  8. Noreen, the most powerful witnesses for the faith are ones like these. Like some of the others who commented, these are the ones that touch me the most because I know the person is truly sharing their heart. I'm with Sue, I bet your reflection moved a lot of hearts.

    Happy Easter :)

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  9. Dear Noreen,

    What a blessing you were to so many parishioners...you've touched many in ways you don't even know!!! Thank you for sharing your humbling experience. I can totally relate...any time I speak of our struggle with infertility and the choices we made...I think about how I am that first criminal, putting such little faith in God's will for my life. It keeps me humble, but by allowing me to have those experiences I've grown in my love for God and his Church.

    Blessings to you,
    Valerie

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  10. I know that your talk touched just the right person's heart. I am sure the other speakers were wonderful, but I am just as sure that God wanted you to give your talk just as it was- from the heart. Not to mention that it moved you to share with all of us. Happy Easter to You!!

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  11. Praying for your dad and for all of you.

    May God be always your strength at times of weakness. We all tend to go weak in Faith when times are difficult. Praying for you.

    God bless.

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